I was dead inside until I fully embraced who I was

Decades. That’s how long it would be before I finally accepted who I am and found out what I am on this earth to do. I’ll be 39-years-old tomorrow. I didn’t fully realize my purpose until recently.

I had tried everything I could over the years to break free of the chains and self-bondage that I was in, in a fight to keep from accepting myself. The day I fully embraced myself, everything changed. The moment that I accepted myself for who I am was the moment that the roadblock that had held me captive mentally and spiritually suddenly lifted.

I had to come out about being transgender to myself first. Believe it or not, it was awkward to say. I had never actually accepted it. I had fantasized about how nice it would be to just be myself almost every hour of every day going back 20+ years but I hadn’t accepted that I was trans. All of the signs throughout the years were there but I kept them hidden from the world, which was very unhealthy and led to years of substance abuse and chemical dependency.

One night while I was driving to my house, I finally said the words out loud; “I am a transgender woman.” My shoulders instantly dropped. The weight that I had carried around for so long had suddenly disappeared. I said it again.

“I am a transgender woman.” I felt more relief. I knew what I was saying was true but it was short-lived relief. The thoughts about the long road came to mind and fear set in but I knew there was no going back..

There was no going back to living in the cell that I had cemented myself in 20 years ago. I live in the greatest country in the world, with freedoms that many have died for so that I could have. Yet, here I had been, living like a prisoner with a victim mentality, hoping that someone would send me a letter or put money on my books. It was terrible. It was a dependent life where I had no say over anything. I was basically dead before and now suddenly I had the vision of life.

The only way I can describe this relief was during the hundreds of times that I’ve been in girl mode over the years. I knew this relief was always very temporary, oftentimes getting depressed before I even started, with girl mode ending in hours or the next morning at the latest when it was time to live up to everyone else’s expectations and put on on the thick, baggy, heavy male clothes that I had always hated and remove every trace of makeup.

This was a different feeling though. This was a feeling of permanent relief on the horizon and I had hope and a solution. My only viable path was to FINALLY transition.

I accepted that it was the only way I could ever be happy and internally was very exciting, but externally and socially, left me with a feeling of dread when I started thinking about everything that I would need to sacrifice to make it a reality.

I was a walking headstone before. I was dead inside. I might as well have had my birthdate and the date of each day tattooed on my forehead with the words, “Could have done so much in life, but didn’t, because fear won.”

How many of us are walking headstones right now, letting fear kill our relationships, dreams, success, and life? How many of us aren’t living close to our potential because we have that one major thing that we can’t get past?

45,844 people committed suicide in the United States in 2020, according to CDC data. How many of those suicides were from people that were battling something major like I was, but were afraid to tell anyone? How many of those people could have gone on to be leaders, presidents, and CEO’s of major companies, researchers who developed life-changing drugs, etc? How many people could they have helped if they thought they were able to just be honest about who they were?

91,799 people died of overdoses in 2020 in the US according to CDC data. The highest age group was people 35-44 years old, which happens to be the same age group that I am in. How many of these people were afraid to be honest about who they are? How many could have been saved and how many could they have saved? These are questions that probably could never be answered, but should be addressed.

Now I’m not saying that any of these people were transgender. They were battling something though. The 137,643 people who either committed suicide or overdosed to death in 2020 were all trying to escape from something. What was it?

For me personally, it was being transgender and not thinking that it was ok to tell anyone. I’m lucky that I’m not included in any CDC numbers about overdosing or suicide because I have been close more than once in my life and even attempted suicide in 2005.

Luckily, while my car was upside down on the highway, I said the words, “I’m not ready to die,” and my car spun around and flipped back over, landing on its wheels with the roof caved in over the passenger seat and entire back seat, with the roof over the driver seat still intact. It was an incredible experience but not necessary if I would have been true to myself from the beginning.

To me personally, transitioning is what plants must feel during photosynthesis. Life. Water after a drought. Air after drowning for over 20 years, gasping for air, and having just enough previously for a daily routine as a slave to the idea that while everyone else out there was allowed to live their lives, I wasn’t allowed to live mine.

I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy road ahead but what other choice did I have at this point? It was either trying a new way of life, which is embracing who I am or keep being a faker, a fraud, and someone that couldn’t look people in the eye or tell their story because they weren’t authentic. I couldn’t go on like that.

So I said “fuck it” and went all-in with who I am. I completely embraced myself. Now, I’ve been on gender-affirming HRT for two months today, have come out to everybody, and for the first time in my life, I’m not living in frustration or in the seemingly lifelong depression that I was in for so long.

I didn’t need antidepressants. I didn’t need ADHD medication. All that I needed was honesty and also having the right hormones has helped me immensely as well. The changes have been incredible and with every change, I feel like I am finally becoming the person that I am meant to be.

Now, I know that not everyone is trans. It’s actually less than 1% according to data, but my situation made me wonder. If I was afraid to embrace myself because of fear, then what are other people out there hiding, and afraid to let it all out because they think would destroy their lives?

The facts are that hiding my gender dysphoria from the world for so long kept me from growing. I couldn’t experience life like other people. I couldn’t build the right relationships with people. I was alone in a room full of other people. I felt like I was never good enough. And worst of all, I felt like a fraud everywhere I went because I wasn’t able to be myself.

My advice for anyone struggling is to first of all accept and embrace who you are. We don’t have to be perfect. I mean, we aren’t anyway and nobody expects us to be so why try and act like we are? It doesn’t make sense and goes against who we are to try and act like we aren’t human.

We are who we are. That’s what makes us who we are. Why try and keep that from people? Our greatest weaknesses can be flipped and turned into our greatest strengths. Successful people know that and use their weaknesses to lead their lives to great destinies, hidden to them before.

It turns out that what we thought were weaknesses, were actually superpowers in disguise.

Embrace who you are. Set yourself free. Whatever it is. Be yourself. The clock is ticking.

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