What it’s like being a transgender parent of five

One question that comes up sometimes is what it’s like being a transgender parent of 5 children and “How have they taken the changes?”

Before I started transitioning, my wife, Rae, and I had many conversations about how we would go about telling them and there were many fears about how they would react.

We watched countless videos about how other families have come out to their children, did a lot of research about it and then we finally decided to just sit down and tell them what was going on before I even started.

We decided to not talk to our youngest about it because he was four and there was no way that he’d understand.

We explained to them that I was already transgender whether I transitioned or not. To our surprise, they already knew about transgender people and knew more than we did about a lot of things.

We told them that there would be some changes with me and if any of them had an issue with it then I would hold off transitioning which would have been extremely hard to do, but I would have.

In fact, I was never going to transition at all until Rae and I had a conversation a few weeks prior in which she asked, “If you had the choice to live as a woman all the time and there was nothing stopping you, would you?”

I answered without hesitation, “Yes. Absolutely, but there’s no way that I would ever be able to do that.” She asked, “Why?”

I answered something along the lines of, “I would lose y’all and I’m not willing to do that.”

My family is the most important part of my life. Everything I do has been and is with them in mind.

Rae told me that if I did transition that she and our kids weren’t going anywhere and that she would be there for me.

For a split second, in that moment, transitioning actually became an option for me. Then, as quickly as it became an option, it wasn’t an option anymore. If our kids were ok with it, it was happening.

During the first part of the transition, I would ask the kids repeatedly if they were sure they were ok with this and every time I would ask, the answer was, “Yes. Please stop asking me. I’m ok with it.”

We are heroes to our kids and we are their idols in a lot of ways. They learn almost everything from us in life and we are in charge of not just making sure that they are educated, but teaching them how to handle situations, develop habits, have empathy for others, help others, etc. We are their go-to for everything and they gain independence little by little as they transition into adults.

The one thing about true family is that they love each other and accept each other for who they are.

At that time, I had also thought of myself as a good parent. The truth is, that I really didn’t become a parent until I transitioned.

I wasn’t there for them before. I was miserable all the time and depressed. I pushed them away and rarely spent time with them. I worked 24/7 and would go through the motions with them but I really didn’t have a relationship with any of them.

I was an angry tyrant most of the time telling myself that as long as they had food, shelter, got good grades in school, were clean, had decent clothes, etc., then I was a good parent, but that is only a small part of the equation in parenting.

As I started to align myself with who I am mentally, spiritually, and physically, I started developing relationships with our kids. Instead of being focused on keeping the house in order or the trash that was left on the floor, we started to have actual conversations about things. They were able to stop playing defense all the time and breathe.

There started to be two-way conversations about topics instead of them just getting orders barked at them constantly or them being lectured constantly. We started to laugh and joke and hang out.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have my moments. If I walk in the house and the kids are all propped up on the couches eating food that’s getting over everything, it drives me crazy and leads to an unpleasant experience for everyone, but even that is starting to change.

I’m starting to realize that a lot of the little stuff really doesn’t matter. Seeing them happy matters much more to me now. The drill sergeant is gone.

If you ask any of them who they like better, they say Mikaela all day.

I always thought that I would lose everything and everyone if I ever transitioned. The reality is that I didn’t have to give up anything or anyone except the relationship with my father.

Maybe one day he’ll come around. Maybe he won’t. Who knows. In the meantime I’m going to continue to focus on being the parent that I never was before to our beautiful, witty, smart, and funny kids.

Our youngest saw an old video of me pop up on my computer screen yesterday and he goes, “Daddy, is that you when you were old?” I would say that he’s good with the changes.

We are only on this earth for a short time. Our kids are going to remember us for not what we looked like. They won’t care about the jobs we had, our status, etc. They are going to remember how we treated them. They are going to remember what we taught them, and they are going to remember the memories that we made together.