Why I believe that our guardian angels always come through and why I wrote a song about it

I’m going through one of the toughest times in my life. My partner suddenly ended our relationship on 9/11 and moved out the next week. I was left shocked, stunned, heartbroken, my vision in life was rocked to the core. While I do know the real reason that this happened, it is their truth to walk and to tell and I’ll never reveal it, but this unanticipated forever life-changing decision that they made hurt me greatly. I loved them and all five of our kids with everything and still do love them with everything. This has been incredibly hard for me because they were my life and still are. They were everything to me and still are.

Honestly, there were nights when I was completely alone that I didn’t know how I was going to make it through. When I started transitioning, there was a promise from my partner that they had my back and would be there throughout the entire process and after. I wasn’t prepared to do this alone. I was convinced and thought without a doubt that they had my back.

But, they didn’t. Instead a few weeks later after leaving while texting me telling me how much they loved me and missed me and wanted to come home, they had me served with divorce papers. It wasn’t until about a week after with them still calling and texting about how much they loved me and missed me and wanted to come home that that I found out the real truth, but again that is theirs to tell if they ever decide to and not mine.

There is also a lot of support for them to not come back solely because I’m transgender and they would lose that support if they did. I’ve been deadnamed, misgendered, and even called “That thing over there” at one point.

Also, I know I’m not anywhere near perfect but my heart is pure. I had spent the last three months working my full time radio gig and worked over 60 real estate leads (some for over a month) over the course of the last few months. I was present physically, but my mind was on the big picture of elevating our family’s quality of life and I’m sure that quite a lot was missed over those last few months. I also had some trust issues for good reasons and that didn’t help things either. We were just getting to point to be able to live our dreams. I guess I was wrong about it being our dreams though. Maybe they were my dreams? Who knows?

I’m getting over it. The hurt is still raw and real. The disbelief and shock is still there but it’s fading. I’m realizing that not all paths are meant to continue forever and that while they may not have been revealed yet, better paths are out there. This blog post is not to bash my partner or anyone in my family in any way. I love them and would never do anything to hurt them in any way. I also understand and support their decision because I understand their truth no matter how much it may suck for me.

I also have a lot to figure out still about myself. I made a commitment to myself wait for at least a year to get in another relationship so I have the time to figure things out.

My two biological kids, Jackson and Lincoln, have been my main source of comfort through this. They have both helped me in incredible ways that they will never realize. They are the biggest part of my purpose in this life.

The point of this blog post is to point out miracles that have happened during this extremely dark period of my life and throughout my life, and there have been many. During my worst moments over the past month, I’ve noticed people showing up at the oddest times. I’ve gotten messages and phone calls from people out of nowhere checking on me during times that I wasn’t doing too well. I believe they are all forms of guardian angels.

My grandma would tell me when I was younger that she believed that guardian angels came to us in many forms. She would also talk about these dreams that she had that could actually predict things in the future which all came true. I don’t know if this was manifestation or what but she had a divine connection for sure. She was the greatest person I have ever known and I miss that woman so much. Honestly, I wish I would have told her what I was going through a long time ago because out of everyone, I believe that she would have understood. She passed away three years ago in October, 2019.

After I came out about being transgender last year, a lot of my family didn’t take it too well. My dad has especially struggled with it. The last thing that I ever wanted was to hurt him or anyone else in my family. But, how long was I supposed to hurt? How long was I supposed to fight this internal battle alone? In March of this year, I had noticed that he had became very silent. I would message him and he wouldn’t reply. Then, one night I had a dream that we were all eating dinner together as a family and that my grandma was there with us. My dad was screaming at me in this dream and my grandma ended up standing between us and then I woke up and went out into the living room. I was shaken from this dream to say the least and couldn’t make sense of it.

Not even 5 minutes later, at about 3:05 in the morning, my phone went off. It was a message from my dad telling me never to contact him again as long as I continued to do this fruity s**t. He said I was no longer welcome on our family’s property and told me that I looked like a clown. Being extremely androgynous at the time and dealing with that, It felt like I had been hit with a sledgehammer, but the timing of my grandma standing between us had to have meant something.

These aren’t my only encounters with guardian angels though. When I was 17, my best friend Josh died in a freak car accident on December 11th, 2000. I’ve never talked about this publicly but his loss completely destroyed me. We had been best friends since I was 8. I had dealt with a lot of bullying throughout junior high and high school but never from Josh. He was the one person in this world who I could truly trust who always had my back. I remember him telling me one night when we were sitting out in his yard when we were 15 at around 11 at night that he wouldn’t live to be 21. I told him he was crazy and not to say that.

He was the only one who knew my deepest and darkest secrets and accepted me for who I was. The day that he was in that accident, I had the chance to see him but I didn’t. The next night I got a call from my grandma telling me how he had been in this freak accident and they didn’t think that he was going to make it. I was crushed. I called his brother and was told the terrible news that they were taking him off of life support. My spirituality completely ended in that moment. Instead, it turned into an anger toward God.

I walked through the golf course near my house with my shirt off in 30 degree weather with snow on the ground screaming at God, “How could you do this?” From that point forward, I unraveled quickly, doing every drug I could get my hands on, drinking every night. I was trying to destroy myself. I didn’t want to live, but I didn’t want to die either. I wanted my friend back and felt terrible that I could have possibly changed things if I had gone out to see him but didn’t. I felt like it was my own fault.

After the next few years of extreme alcohol and drug addiction, there was nothing left of my life, so I thought. I was 19 years old with a more problems than I could count, and while I had a few friends, I felt like I had nobody and certainly nobody who understood me. I decided to start over and jumped on a greyhound bus bound for Kerrville, Texas and landed in Kerrville on January 4th, 2003.

Fast forward to December 28th, 2005. I was back in Missouri and still struggling. I was still on this 5 year drug and alcohol binge coupled with gender dysphoria and decided that I didn’t want to live anymore. I decided that it was time. I was done. I came up with a plan to crash my vehicle on the same stretch of highway where Josh died. I went to the local bar and sang karaoke until it closed down. I sang my two favorite karaoke songs. “Family Tradition” by Hank Williams Jr and “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allen Coe and had the whole bar singing it along. It was my farewell party, although I was the only one who knew it.

I drove down Highway 47 in Winfield, MO and I wasn’t crying or anything. I really had no emotion. I was done. I was ready to escape the Hell and misery of grief, depression, alcoholism, addiction, gender dysphoria, and everything else that I had been carrying around and dealing with that I couldn’t tell anyone about. It was time to take the 10,000 pound backpack off for good.

I turned on Highway EE for my final drive. It was finally, all about to end. I had a donut on the 1995 White Saturn SL1 rear driver side. I knew where he had died and had driven by it many times .There weren’t any houses anywhere around. It was just a road surrounded by telephone poles and trees. I laid my seat back, put my foot on the gas, took my hands off the wheel and waited. The next thing I know, the car started rocking back and forth and flipped over and started rolling.

It was at this second that I opened my eyes and saw the guardian angel on a string that hung from my rearview mirror flash in front of me and I uttered the words, “I’m not ready to die.” The next thing I knew, as the car was spinning and rolling and crashing with the sound of glass and grinding with flashbacks of my life playing through my head, the car flipped back over and landed perfectly at the end of a long driveway. I knew at that moment that I had a purpose. I knew right then that there was a reason that I had been carrying all of this stuff around with me.

I know this is deep but I feel it’s important to get out there. In my darkest hour probably of my entire life, my guardian angel came through for me. I believe it was nothing short of divine intervention. I haven’t come close to being where I was that night since and while I really didn’t understand what any of this meant until recently and still don’t completely understand, I’ve had some huge revelations in life this year by doing some very heavy soul searching. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been almost 20 years since this night. I have overcome so much since then, and have no intentions of slowing down now.

As I work on my foundation, core values, foundational alignment and genuinely being me, I’m seeing other instances of guardian angels coming through for me. The promise of my wife having my back when I transitioned I believe was a guardian angel move, even if it wasn’t true. My friend Leslee, who showed up when I was in my driveway stunned and bawling my eyes out on September 13th of this year came to me in the form of a guardian angel. My friend Jamie showed up when I was struggling to take the tires off of my truck a few weeks back with a breaker bar and stayed because she could see the pain in my eyes. My friend Lisa pops in here and there and messages me when she sees that I’m active on Facebook late at night to check on me and make sure I’m ok. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.

It is so important to be there for others when they are going through tough times. You might be their guardian angel.

You can call me crazy for this or whatever, but we live in a very spiritual world with churches on every corner for a reason. It’s because spirituality is real and it exists. None of us have the true answers in this life. We all get up and put our shoes and clothes on every day and all of us are sinners. None of us are anywhere close to perfect. None of us.

I am a Christian. I gave my heart to Jesus Christ a long time ago and still do every day. When I visit the empty cross in Kerrville, I’m reminded of Jesus’s love for everyone by the statue of him washing the feet of Judas, who completely betrayed him. Jesus and I both have something in common though. We both know about betrayal. I don’t know about it on the level that he did though.

“You can take anything from someone, except their faith in God and themselves.” – Mikaela Taylor

While this past month has been extremely hard for me to accept and even acknowledge at times and I feel like my world has been destroyed once again, after being betrayed in some of the worst ways imaginable by not just one person, but a group of them that I considered family, I’m ok. I’m still sober. I haven’t drank in over 10 years. I’ve been completely sober for over 8. I live in a decent three bedroom house and drive a decent vehicle and have a solid job at the greatest company ever to exist. I have so much to be grateful for.

I’m solid. I have a support system of people who have my back, The people who have shown up for me were unexpected and have been extremely supportive. The Pride Center in San Antonio has stepped up with therapy twice a week. The Kind Clinic in San Antonio is helping me with my HRT medications and health insurance.

I have two great kids who mean the world to me and who I will never let down. They inspire me more than anything.

I know that I’m being looked out for not just on this earth, but in divine ways. I know I have a purpose and a mission and I have whole-heartedly accepted that fact.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I will always tell my story and my truth no matter who doesn’t like it because I have a story of inspiration and getting through times of grief, depression, alcoholism, addiction, gender dysphoria, anxiety, and much more that can be flipped and used to inspire others to get through it as well.

When I came out, my mission in life became, “to help as many people as possible accept who they are and love themselves enough to move past anything that is hindering their personal development,” and it hasn’t changed.

it’s important to have spiritual faith, but it’s also important to have faith in yourself too. We’ve all been through so much in this life, but there is also a reason that we have all made it this far.

Don’t stop now. The good stuff is still to come.

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