You don’t have to wear the guilt and shame of others

Until December 2021, I hid who I truly am from everyone but a select few and just went through the motions of life because inside I knew that the pride of a few who are close to me would either not understand, not want to understand, or would cause their guilt and shame over who I am to affect our relationship.

I was afraid of rejection. There was no rejection from those in most of my circles, but as expected, I was right the entire time. When I finally faced my fears and put down the facade and began to just be myself, here came the instant negativity from the same few people that I dreaded facing all of this time.

We all have our circles of people from birth. We have our inner circle of people, which is usually our family and it doesn’t start off as a choice. It’s our first circle and usually our last circle and it evolves over time as we age.

Then we have our primary circles, which are the people who are our closest friends, followed by secondary circles, who are usually friends and maybe some of the people that we work with, then the outer circles which are our acquaintances, people we know and talk to from time to time, and our completely outer circle, which is everyone else in the public.

The people in our most inner circle have the most influence over us from birth, but as we get older, the balance of influence gradually shifts, until our influence progressively gets stronger, and then it starts to fade as well.

Some of us become leaders in our circles, usually the ones who have the most influence, which is earned by a strong sense of self and doing the right thing. Some of us never become the leaders in our circle because we continuously make the wrong choices in life or don’t lead by example.

We don’t start off in life choosing our inner circle. We do have the choice later in life to decide who gets a place in our inner circle and who doesn’t.

There are three people who were in my inner circle who are no longer in any circle. While they might think that this was their choice, it actually became mine when they allowed their pride to decide that I needed to wear their guilt and shame when I finally opened up about who I really am.

At first, feeling guilty about who I am, I wore their guilt and shame. I walked around with a pit in my stomach, wearing their lack of approval like a set of dirty clothes. I felt dirty. My confidence was surely affected by this as well and then I came to a realization after talking this out with my psychologist and watching the video below.

While I was honest with the world, I had still not been 100% honest with myself and had not done a proper inventory of the situation. I had to decipher between what was my own personal guilt and shame, and what was the guilt and shame from others.

I had to put the feelings that I felt into two categories. Think of this as having a notepad with a line drawn down the middle. What was my own personal guilt and shame, and what was I carrying around that wasn’t mine?

You see, deep down, I knew who I was. I knew that I am a good person, who has quality core values, gives when I can, loves to help people, and lives life with integrity.

Being transgender also was not a choice for me and personally, I am not ashamed of it nor do I feel guilty. In my personal column, I am actually proud of who I am and if I don’t let the guilt and shame of others bleed into my column, then I am happy.

I had to come to the realization that the guilt and shame that I was feeling was the guilt and shame of other people. Since those people had a spot in my inner circle, they had a very heavy influence and I had allowed them to drown out my inner peace and happiness with their guilt and shame.

And honestly, at first, this wasn’t even their fault. They didn’t even know the battle that I had been fighting my entire life. I never gave them the chance to see my true self out of fear of rejection.

At first, they were shocked, but once the dust settled, they had a choice to make and by either exiting my life or making statements made to hurt or derail me, they actually helped me more than they know. It’s also important to note that most people in my inner circle have been 100% supportive.

That’s not my guilt and shame to carry around. It is their guilt and shame and I had to clearly separate the two. They have their own programming to deal with. They have their own inventory to take and it’s not my responsibility, nor do I have the ability to take their inventory for them.

When I dissected who actually carried what, I found the much-needed peace that I had desired the entire time and if I would have known this 20 years ago, I would have come out about who I am then.

I also had to make another choice which wasn’t easy but it gave me peace as well. That choice was to put the people who were once in my inner circle but continuously tried to make me wear their guilt and shame into no circle in my life.

This no longer became their choice. It was mine. I took control of the situation and now I decide what guilt and shame I carry around and now I have the freedom to be myself without a pit of guilt consuming me.

If those people ever want a spot in any of my circles again, they will have to make the choice to accept me 100% for who I am. There’s no changing it. Either they will come around or they won’t but now the boundary is set. I will no longer wear the guilt and shame of others.

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